I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
