watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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