Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize