I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
