Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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