On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
