i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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