She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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