Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
