I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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