remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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