So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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