I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
