When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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