Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
