He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
