I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
