she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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