I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
