Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
