another moral hangover. fuck.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
