Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
