im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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