Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
