I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
