we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
