Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
