If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
