did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
