Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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