Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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