There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
