How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
