she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
