my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
