my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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