If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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