also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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