You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
