Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
