my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
