I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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