One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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