I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
