Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
