They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
