If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's blow job season.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
