Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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