I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
