Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
