I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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