So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
