i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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