he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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