WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
