Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
