We won't sleep together?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
