Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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