So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
