my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am naked and annoyed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
