I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
