dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
